Would You Date You? A Therapist’s Challenge to Break Free from A Negative Mindset and Patterns
- Edwige Theokas
- Mar 14
- 8 min read
Would You Date You? A Therapist’s Challenge to Break Free from A Negative Mindset and Patterns
As a therapist, most of my clients struggle to understand the whys of something. They often get stuck and stay stuck in a pattern of fear, anger, resentment, and shame. They present with a negative mindset around their experiences. Whether they have internalized the belief that something is wrong with them or someone else has told them that they are the problem, clients will develop a negative pattern of thoughts, actions, and feelings that keep them from moving forward.
In my trauma work, I focus on the various parts of suffering in order to help a person heal. This includes feeling work, cognitive reframing, and an emphasis on action. All three must be explored to help you move past your pain.
One of the toughest yet most transformative exercises I do with clients in session is to ask the “Would you date you?” question. This question isn’t about your looks, your job, or your social status—it’s about who you are as a person, your mindset, and how you show up in your daily life.
If your immediate response is hesitation, discomfort, or a resounding “no,” then it’s time to do some honest self-reflection.
Many people find themselves stuck in cycles of negativity, complaining about their circumstances but doing little to actually create the changes that they want. They long for love, success, and happiness, yet their daily mindset and habits don’t reflect someone who is prepared to receive those things. The truth is, staying in a pattern of negativity and complaint keeps you from making change and attracting the life you want. Staying stuck can happen for a variety of reasons that should be considered.
So, let’s dive deep into why this happens—and more importantly, how you can break free from it. First we’ll focus on paying attention to what is actually happening, and then we’ll explore ways to actually implement change.
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How Complaining and Negativity Keep You Stuck
1. Complaining Creates a Victim Mentality
When you spend more time focusing on what’s wrong rather than working toward solutions, you reinforce a victim mindset. This doesn’t mean your struggles aren’t valid—life can be unfair, and pain is real—but constantly dwelling on what’s wrong takes away your power.
Think about it: Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who never takes accountability and who always blames their job, their past, or other people for their unhappiness? If not, why would anyone else?
Exercise: Start a "Complaint Journal." For one week, write down every complaint you have. Then, next to each complaint, write one small action you could take to improve the situation. This simple practice shifts you from victim mode to problem-solver mode.
2. Negativity Pushes People Away
Negativity is contagious, but not in a good way. People naturally gravitate toward those who bring light, hope, and solutions—not those who drain their energy with constant pessimism.
If you frequently feel lonely or disconnected, it might be worth asking: Am I bringing positive energy into my interactions? Are you the person who uplifts or the person who drains?
Exercise: Before any conversation, take 10 seconds to set an intention: “How can I bring a more collaborative and curious energy to this interaction?” Whether it’s through gratitude, humor, or encouragement, your mindset impacts how others feel around you (we all know those people who see the glass as half-full vs. half-empty).
3. Repetition Reinforces Limiting Beliefs
Your brain listens to what you tell it. If you constantly say, "I’ll never find love," "I’m just unlucky," or "Nothing works out for me," your mind will look for evidence to confirm those beliefs.
But here’s the kicker—just as negativity can be reinforced, so can empowerment and optimism.
Exercise: Try "Thought Swapping." Each time you catch yourself in a negative thought, ask:
• Is this 100% true?
• Would I say this to a close friend?
• What is a more empowering belief I could adopt?
For example, replace "I’ll never find love" with "I am actively working on becoming the best version of myself, and the right person will appreciate that."
4. Complaining Reinforces Helplessness
When you constantly complain about things you feel you can’t change, you reinforce the belief that you have no control over your life. This leads to learned helplessness, where you start to assume that no matter what you do, things won’t improve.
Exercise: Identify one area in your life where you feel stuck. Instead of complaining about it, ask: “What is this stucknness trying to teach me”? “How is this actually helpful? “What is one small action I can take to make this situation feel better?” Even small steps can shift you from helplessness to empowerment.
5. Negativity Prevents You from Seeing Opportunities
When your focus is on what’s wrong, you become blind to the possibilities around you. Your brain filters information based on what you believe—so if you believe life is unfair, you’ll overlook solutions, connections, and opportunities that could help you move forward.
Exercise: Each night, write down one positive thing that happened during your day, even if it’s small. Training your brain to notice the good opens you up to more possibilities and change.
Would You Date Someone Like You?
If you’re struggling to achieve the things you want in life, you need to be able to take a hard look in the mirror and ask yourself some difficult questions. Are you embodying the qualities of the person who has the things you want? If you aren’t, can you sit with yourself and accept your current status without judgment or criticism?
Certain questions to ask yourself:
• Am I kind and emotionally healthy?
• Do I take responsibility for my behaviors?
• Do I take responsibility for my happiness?
• Am I actively working on my personal growth?
If the answer is no, then the problem isn’t external—it’s internal. The good news? You have the power to change.
Below are FIVE ways to begin changing. I often do this exercise with my clients and find that it can be effective when a neutral party is involved. This is a great exercise to do with a friend or confidant.
5 Ways to Start Changing Today
1. Focus on the behaviors of the person you want to be
Begin to clarify what it is that you want. Do you want a loving relationship? Do you want a healthy body? Do you want the promotion? Do you want to be debt-free? Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, ask yourself what you do want and identify how having this thing would improve your life.
Exercise: Identify the behaviors and actions of a person who has the life that you want. This could be future you, a made-up person, or someone you know. Really hone in and focus on their actions.
Be aware that this exercise may bring up limiting beliefs. If the behaviors of a person don’t align with your values or your beliefs (aka you want to be in a relationship, but you think you have to get plastic surgery or that partners always cheat), you will have to do lots of internal work to challenge those beliefs.
2. Develop an Abundance Mindset About Yourself
If you constantly think there are no good partners, no opportunities, or no hope, you will prove yourself right. If you think that you are not acceptable or that there is something wrong with you, you will never put yourself in a position to achieve what you want. Focus on believing in possibilities, and you will start seeing them. Focus on the ways in which YOU are currently unique and lovable, with a mindset toward getting better.
Exercise: Each morning, write down three things you’re excited about and three things you appreciate about yourself. This rewires your brain for optimism.
3. Shift from Complaining to Taking Action
Instead of saying, "I hate my job," ask, "What steps can I take to improve my situation?"
Instead of saying, "I never meet good people," ask, "Am I putting myself in environments where I’d meet high-quality individuals?"
Exercise: At the end of each day, write down one action step you can do tomorrow to improve your life, no matter how small. And reflect on what you did for the day to get closer to the life that you want. Over time, these small changes add up.
4. Stop Attracting the Same Patterns
If you find yourself stuck in the same disappointing cycles, ask yourself what role you’re playing in that pattern.
Exercise: Write down a list of behaviors that never seem to work out for you. Look for patterns in the ways that they always seem to come about. What do they have in common? Why are you drawn to these people, places, and things? Do you think that this is the only way to get what you want? How can you change your approach moving forward?
5. Learn Emotional Regulation
Attractive, successful people aren’t just rich or good-looking—they’re emotionally regulated. They are self-reflective. They are curious. They know how to handle stress, communicate calmly, and make rational decisions. They know how to access their emotional states in a productive manner.
Exercise: When faced with stress, try the 4-7-8 breathing technique. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, and exhale for 8. This helps calm your nervous system and prevent reactive behavior. Journal about what triggered your emotional responses from a place of curiosity instead of blaming, shaming, or dismissing. When we are in a regulated state, we can think and explore what things showed up to lead us to identify our choices, our responses and then make different choices.
5. Take Personal Growth Seriously
If you want a better life, you have to work for it. Read books, attend workshops, go to therapy (or at least do self-reflection exercises). Successful, happy people invest in themselves.
Exercise: Start a "Personal Growth Challenge." Commit to reading one self-improvement book, listening to a podcast, or practicing mindfulness every day for 30 days.
Conclusion: The Power of Self-Reflection
If you truly want to change your life, stop waiting for external factors to shift. The work starts within.
So, ask yourself again: "Would I date me?"
If the answer is no, instead of feeling discouraged, see this as an opportunity. You have the power to become the person you’d be excited to date.
And when you do become that person? You won’t just attract better relationships—you’ll attract a better life.
Your next step: Choose one of the exercises in this blog and start today. Change happens in small steps, and this is your first one. And if you’re looking for support, reach out to a professional for more help
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What’s one thing you’re working on improving about yourself? Drop a comment below—I’d love to hear your thoughts!
My name is Edwige (Eddie) Theokas, and I am a trauma-based therapist in Bordentown, NJ.
I specialize in EMDR to address trauma, anxiety, and stress. I work specifically with moms who are experiencing burnout and have had trauma.
I provide in-person and online counseling throughout the state of NJ and specifically in Mercer and Burlington County, NJ (Bordentown, Chesterfield, Robbinsville, Hamilton and Princeton). I also provide EMDR Intensives. Contact me to schedule a consultation.
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